Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. I know that we all love the music from our generation. July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. This is exactly my experience, too. painted_lady Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Or find something neutral. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. "I cant win for losing. But the dad is giving the kid homework? Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. When Spouses Disagree About Parenting - Positive Parenting In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. Terms & Conditions . It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. Hmm, maybe. And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. Aaaaah! Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. I forgive you!. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). But I agree with everything else you said. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. Weird. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. Settlers of Catan! It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Dont talk negatively about her father. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? The Passive Aggressive Personality Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. I still think hes acting out like a child. painted_lady Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. I have to agree. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. You're surely not alone. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. We are this little team of 2. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! 15 Mother-In-Law Behaviors That Deserve a Punch in the Face - Scary Mommy I hated, and still do, all of those things. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. They wouldnt do that, would they? Cool! "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. I was so bad at the sports I was enrolled in that I would cry and beg not to go back, because I was the worst and everyone let me know it. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Well done, as always, my friend. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. No. I hated sitting through long sports games. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? There are many things I love about my husband. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. What is this site, a Masters program? I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. Skyblossom She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? Yes! And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. bittergaymark I was thinking this too. The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. lets_be_honest Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. Interested in science? The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Ive been there. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. Cardinals games and all. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? I mean you describe your partner (who sounds amazing BTW) as cultivating her interests and introducing her to things which doesnt sound like what this dad is doing. lets_be_honest Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. About Us . I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. I was/am (?) Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. Spyglassez My parents werent interested in that stuff. Definitely! How so? Id love to hang out with her. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. Usually sharks.). I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. lets_be_honest We have a 1-year-old daughter together. YUCK. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! No. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Thats awesome! Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. Great suggestion! July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. bittergaymark On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. (I threw it all up and cried. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. But the show as a whole, awesome. Addie Pray lets_be_honest Also hi BGM. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. And he doesnt have to hide that. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans.
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